


one man's trash is another man's love interest

by curlydots



Category: Gintama
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Drunk Sex, Established Relationship, M/M, non-consensual piggybacking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-20 22:40:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17031300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/curlydots/pseuds/curlydots
Summary: Gintoki has his night ruined (and then slightly less ruined).





	one man's trash is another man's love interest

**Author's Note:**

> me: childhood friend ship are cute but not really my thing
> 
> katsura or gintoki: *does/says something incredibly small to remind the audience that they've been friends for 20 years*
> 
> me:...................actually

"He's a friend of yours right?" the owner of the bar asks, pointing at where Zura is sitting in the back of the room. He's laughing loudly and pulling the two men next to him into one armed hugs. As soon as he'd walked in Gintoki had ducked under the table and snuck to the other side of the bar.

"Huh?" says Gintoki, picking his nose. "Who?"

"Please, Sakata-san. He's trying to turn my regulars into terrorists. He's been polite and he's paying for his drinks but he's drunk and loud. I'd rather not have the Shinsengumi storming the place."

Gintoki looks down at his drink and his parfait, and then at Zura. He picks up his spoon. "Sorry, I've never seen that freak before in my life."

"I could have sworn I saw you two in here once."

"Ah! Gintoki's here!" Zura calls out, waving his arms over his head. "Gintoki! Over here!"

Gintoki shields his face with a hand. "Doesn't ring a bell."

"Are you sure? It sounds like he knows you."

"Sakata Gintoki!"

"Nope," Gintoki says, as he eats his parfait. "It's a pretty common name. I'm an upstanding member of the community and a small business owner. I don't befriend terrorists."

"You there! The ambiguously albino samurai!"

"That's a pretty popular character type."

"It's me, Katsura! Your childhood friend who you cherish and frequently fight beside! We trained at the same dojo, remember?!"

"For fuck's sake!" Gintoki snaps, tossing his sword in Zura's direction. "Who uses their entire backstory to get someone's attention?!"

Zura tries to duck only to have the sword still hit him in the face. He stands back up, grinning. "I thought that was you!"

"Goddamn wig headed idiot!"

"Would you mind?"

"Yeah  
eah, yeah." Gintoki shoves down his parfait and then finishes his drink. He gets up with a groan. "Sorry parfait."

"Gintoki!" Zura yells, throwing an arm around Gintoki's shoulders. Gintoki pulls his sword out of Zura head who immediately rests his forehead against the other man's temple.

"Your breath stinks."

"No it doesn't." Zura pulls back to stare at him intently. "Wait, why are you here? Did you come to help me—"

"Hell no. I had a hot date with a dessert but now I've got to stop you from getting arrested, you drunk dumbass." Gintoki says. He finishes off Zura's drink and the drink that was left next to his.

"It's not drunk dumbass, it's Katsura. And this is Gintoki!" Zura turns him toward the men at the table. "Despite his stupid looking hair he's one of the strongest people I've ever known and a close friend. Everyone, say hi to Gintoki."

A couple voices chime out polite greetings.

"Yay, nice to meet you." He tries shoving Zura off but he doesn't move. "Come on then. Where's your wallet?"

Zura pats his kimono and fishes it out. "Why do I need this? I've already paid my tab."

"Don't worry about it." Gintoki pockets the wallet. "We're heading out."

"You're leaving Katsura-san?" one of the men asks.

"Apparently," Zura says, nodding sagely. There were a series of disappointed voices around the table. "Fear not, I will return tomorrow!"

"Good night Katsura-san!" someone says and then the entire bar is wishing him a good night too while Gintoki drags him out of the bar. The owner gives him a thumbs up.

 

"I don't know how you do that," Gintoki says, letting him go. Zura stumbles but manages to get a steadying arm around Gintoki's shoulder.

"I've been told I have a powerful charisma about me."

"I meant not drawing more attention when you're clearly a criminal." Gintoki snorts. "Who thinks your charismatic? Elizabeth?"

"Elizabeth is an excellent judge of character."

"Sure, what space duck isn't? Speaking of, I didn't see Elizabeth. You wouldn't be acting like a drunk dumbass if he were around."

"Elizabeth is doing recruitment elsewhere. And I'm not drunk. It would be unbecoming for a samurai to lose their composure like that in public."

"Oh? Really?" Gintoki steers the two of them towards a pothole and Zura, being the drunk dumbass he is, falls flat onto the road. "You're right. Your keen samurai senses are as sharp as ever."

Zura groans and rolls his head to the side. "I am, perhaps, tipsy." He holds out a hand.

Gintoki hoists him back to his feet. "You don't usually drink much."

"The men in the bar were very enthusiastic about the cause but insistent on me matching them drink for drink." He loosens the top of his kimono. Gintoki gives that just a passing glance.

"You're not a good enough alcoholic. That was a terrible idea."

"I disagree. It was going very well."

"Until I had to drag you out. I was trying to get drunk too, Zura. Way to ruin my evening."

"Bold words for a man with his hand on my ass."

"My hand isn't on your ass," Gintoki says, giving Zura a firm and well deserved squeeze, "your ass is on my hand."

"Take that back. My ass would never do something so crude."

"Yeah? What's your right hand doing?"

"Hm?" Zura looks first at his left arm on Gintoki's shoulder and then his right hand which is playing with Gintoki's hair. "Your perm hypnotized me."

"You don't get to play with my hair and make fun of it."

"Its sinister curls drew me in."

"I will dump you on the road and leave you there."

Zura leans on him and squeezes tighter. "Do your worst. I had to hang onto the underside of a car to escape the Shinsengumi yesterday."

"Were you drunk at the time?"

"No."

Gintoki shoves his sword between them and tries to pry him off. Zura wraps his legs around Gintoki's waist. "Ha! Nice try!"

"If you're sober enough to climb me like a monkey you can walk on your own!"

"I would prefer not to." Zura props his chin up on his head. "Where are we going Gintoki?"

Gintoki sighs and keeps walking, only stumbling a little. "I'm not going to whatever shitty neighborhood you're hiding out in so we're going to Odd Jobs."

"My shitty neighborhood is only a few blocks south."

"Am I a compass?! I don't know what south means! We're going to Odd Jobs!"

"Wait, but I haven't called Elizabeth! He'll worry if I don't come home."

"Just give me your phone. Here, I'll do it." Gintoki scrolls through his contacts. "Why do you have four Elizabeth's listed here?"

"Call the second one."

"No, no, no, no that's a little too suspicious to just brush off! How many Elizabeth's do you have?!"

"Don't be silly," Zura says, reaching over his shoulder. He hits dial . "Here." The phone rings several times before someone finally picks up. "Hello, Elizabeth?"

The other end of the line is completely silent.

"Yes, the recruitment went very well! I had a little too much to drink so I'll be staying with Gintoki for the night. I'll—" Zura giggles hysterically, the arm around Gintoki's neck nearly strangling him. "Now now Elizabeth, don't be crass!"

He jabs Zura in the ribs until he relaxes his grip.

"That sounds good. I'll see you tomorrow then. Good night," he says before hanging up.

Gintoki rubs his throat. "Was Elizabeth talking to you?"

"Don't be absurd. Elizabeth doesn't talk."

 

It's dark when they get to Odd Jobs which means that the two of them are in danger of Death By Kagura if they make too much noise. Gintoki leaves all the lights off and dumps Zura on the couch. It takes a whack with his sword before he falls off.

"Okay." Zura wasn't that heavy but he'd been digging his chin into Gintoki's shoulder. "Don't wake up Kagura or puke on anything valuable. You better be gone before either of us wakes up too, I don't want a terrorist ruining my good reputation."

"What good reputation?"

" _I'm_ not on a wanted poster. Zura, let go."

Zura pulls on his sleeve. "I don't want to sleep on your couch."

"Don't whine. What are you a child?"

"Clearly not because your child is at least sleeping on a futon."

"Sadoharu made a mess of the extra futon. Beggars can't be choosers."

"I want to sleep next to you Gintoki."

"Literally what did I just say?"

"But it's uncomfortable."

"That's too damn bad."

"Gintokiiiii."

"Shh! Would you keep it—" He stumbles as Zura tugs him forward by his collar. "Damn it, what are you doing?"

"Gin-to-ki," Zura says, and wow Gintoki had no idea when his clothes went from just shy of tidy to seductively tousled but the kimono slipping towards his shoulder was a good look. "I said I want to sleep with you."

"You--" Gintoki starts, but it takes him a couple seconds of _god he's hot_ and _want to mess him up even more_ before his brain snaps back to the present. "Are you trying to seduce me so you don't have to sleep on the couch?! Where'd your Bushido go?!"

Zura whines miserably. When he bends his leg his thigh slips through his kimono and ends up right up against Gintoki's crotch.

"This won't work."

"Yes it will," Zura says, wiggling out of his haori.

"No it won't."

"It always works."

"You wish. You're about as seductive as a tube of toothpaste."

"You clearly have a very inappropriate relationship with your toothpaste." Before Gintoki can think of something appropriately sarcastic to say Zura's is undoing his obi. "Gin-saaaan."

He really shouldn't have told Zura that he found it kinda hot when he called him that in bed. "I hate sleeping next to you," Gintoki says, mostly to remind himself. "You're a blanket hog and your face is creepy and I don't want the cops sniffing around."

"I'm already here. If the Shinsengumi are showing up it won't matter where I sleep."

"I won't be able to kick you out if you're sleeping with me," Gintoki says, hating how resigned he was to that fate.

"I can live with that." The knot comes loose and then Zura's kimono is falling open, just starting to show skin that he so rarely showed off.

"Zura."

A hand moves to Gintoki's face and then around to the back of his neck where he's apparently gotten a little sweaty. Zura tugs him closer until their foreheads touch. All the drinking has left his face flushed.

"Son of a bitch... "

"Please, Gintoki?" Zura says at which point it’s perfectly reasonable for Gintoki to be sucked into his stupid slutty gap moe routine. He curses, but is too turned on to be disappointed in himself as he kisses Zura. Zura's arms wrap around his shoulders until Gintoki complies, pinning him to the couch by his waist. For all his futon talk he's harder than Gintoki.

He's got a hand under the folds of Zura's kimono and is pushing the fabric out of the way when the closet door behind them slides open.

Both of them spin around as Kagura climbs out of her futon, yawning. For a second Zura is about to say something, maybe demand that Gintoki get off, but he covers Zura's mouth, shaking his head. Zura meets his eyes with some alarm before looking again.

Kagura stares straight at the two of them for several seconds with heavy eyes. She then blinks and heads into the bathroom. After a few very tense minutes there’s a flush, and then the sound of the sink, and then Kagura is there again.

Zura is clearly trying to break his arm when she walks past them. Kagura lays down again, the door still open and one leg sticking out. Gintoki climbs slowly off and sneaks across the room. He shoves her foot into the closet and starts to slide the door shot.

Kagura opens blood shot eyes and shoot upright screaming, " _Gin-chan!_ "

Gintoki yells and bangs his knee as he hits the floor, forgetting how to breathe until Kagura whispers, "Don't eat my seaweed," and collapses back onto the futon.

On shaky legs Gintoki gets to his feet. He punches Kagura in the head (she mumbles "you're grounded, Gin-chan") and then slams the door shut.

"Damn gorilla girl," Gintoki says. "Okay, we're good to go."

"A...a moment Gintoki," Zura says holding up a hand. "For a second I thought I saw my grandmother."

"Don't walk into the light yet Zura. Zura?" he says with more concern as Zura covers his mouth. "I swear to god if you throw up."

"I'm perfectly fine," Zura says, swallowing. "Unrelated, but would you get me a glass of water?"

 

After the double whammy of a nauseous partner and an insomniac tween alien Gintoki resigns himself to never getting an erection again. He's settling in for a night of Zura kicking him in the face when the idiot in question puts his glass aside and crawls into his lap.

"Now then," Zura says.

Gintoki shoves him off. "Go to sleep Zura. I'm not having you throw up on me."

"I won't. The water was just a preemptive measure."

"Don't believe you." Gintoki lays down, tugging the blanket over both of them.

"If you insist," Zura says, and then he proceeds to invalidate Gintoki's responsible decision by laying on top of him, head against his chest. "Good night."

Gintoki grunts his agreement. Zura is running warm because of the liquor and he smells annoyingly nice. From experience Gintoki knows he'll be numb long before he falls asleep. He shifts over, trying to get some of Zura's weight off and Zura does the same thing which presses his cock into Gintoki's thigh.

"Why are you still hard? Knock it off."

"Ignore it," Zura says, as though his every movement isn't drawing attention to it. "It'll go away eventually."

Zura is still mostly dressed, having haphazardly retied his kimono so it's not like he can actually feel the smooth heat of his skin. Still "disheveled" has always been a good look on Zura, if a rare one. In retrospect, desperately horny was also a rare look for him.

Zura makes a sound that's needy, if hardly audible and, like the goddamn miracle that he is, cures Gintoki's five minute impotence. He drops his hand on Katsura's ass with a sigh. "Why do I sleep with you again?"

Zura trails a hand up Gintoki's thigh. "We know each other, you think I'm attractive, and I have low standards."

"What do you mean low standards?"

Zura climbs up to kiss him, and shoves his pajamas pants down, ignoring the offended mumble he gets. He slips between Gintoki's legs so that he’s rutting their half hard cocks together. The friction of Zura's weight is enough to drive a groan from his throat.

Zura strokes him absently. "You're responsive today."

"Am not." He's way too wet in Zura's hand to say that with much conviction.

"Has it been a while?"

"Maybe. Shut up."

"Hm." Zura studys him thoughtfully. "About 16 months?"

"Eh? How can you tell that, you weirdo?!"

Zura crosses his arms over his chest, to his irritation. "It was the last time we had sex."

"Was it?"

"Yes."

"What are you being all smug about? It wasn't intentional!"

"I haven't slept with anyone else either."

Gintoki glares at him. "Congrats. You're a loser."

"As are you," Zura says nodding. "Are you getting harder thinking about that?"

"No," Gintoki lies.

"If you insist." He grinds himself down in Gintoki's lap.

"You're the worst." Gintoki pulls him closer and rolls them over, hoping the weird noise Zura makes is an excited horny noise and not a nausea noise. Zura blinks at him, dizzy but probably fine. Maybe more than fine, splayed out under him with his hair long and messy on the pillow. A pretty similar image had gotten him through his most recent dry spell but Zura didn't need to know that. "Fuck, okay, we're definitely doing this."

"Excellent, because I would like to go to sleep and this erection is very distracting."

"Haven't I told you to work on your dirty talk?"

"Wow, Gintoki you're so sexy. Please hurry up so I can stop thinking about sex, I'm very sleepy. How was that?"

"Boner is still here so you’re on the right track." He accidentally hits himself with Zura's knee before he reorients himself and pulls Zura in. "Wait, shit. Do you have lube?"

"Why would I carry around lube?"

Gintoki dumps him back onto the mat. "You feel like making a convenience store run?"

"If you make me walk down the street I will throw up and if you leave I will immediately fall asleep."

"Fuck it. Guess I'm not getting any tonight."

"You're so negative Gintoki!" Zura says, ruffling his hair. "We didn't have lube at all ages 15 through 18 and we still had plenty of sex."

"I couldn't walk straight after the one time we tried fucking."

"Oh. That's true. Lube is a gift to the modern era. Come here, I'm going to jerk you off."

"Damn it." Gintoki lays next to him. He grabs one of Zura's thigh and drapes it over his hip. "You're still so un-sexy."

"You don't mind."

"Low standards," he says, taking hold of Zura.

Zura shuts his eyes. "Limited options."

"Low standards," he insists. "I'm a catch. You think they make topless figmas of ugos?"

"The audience also has low standards." Gintoki reaches back to grab his sword but Zura whines, "Gintoki," and he fumbles it.

"Remind me to kick your ass later." He grabs Zura again.

"Okay. Just keep doing that."

He takes Zura;s hand and lays it on his own length and Zura luckily is not too far gone to take a hint. Zura cracks one eye open and looks down at their crossed hands. He snorts.

"What are you laughing at?"

"Deja vu."

Gintoki's mouth quirks. "At least we're indoors. And drunk."

"Still trying not to wake anyone up." He sighs quietly. "Still had you dragging me out of a stupid situation."

"I prefer you fucked up from drinking to fucked up from a battle."

Zura smiles. "Still a softy when we're having sex."

"Okay, no more reminiscing. What was the rule?"

Zura rolls his eyes. "Not when you've got an erection."

"Not ever but especially not when I've got a erection."

"FIne. I can flashback on my own."

He tugs Zura's kimono loose and runs a hand up his chest. Zura whines, "cold," but that's his problem for being 100 million degrees. There's a comfort in the familiar weight of Zura in his hand, the curve of his body against Gintoki's, and the soft quick sound of his breathing but that's the exact kind of embarrassing thinking that makes Zura thinks he likes him or cares for him or whatever so he keeps that to himself.

Zura is staring at his lips. Gintoki sighs and leans forward to kiss him because he's apparently doing all the work now. Despite Zura's earlier impatience his lips are soft and slow. He's less stroking him than rubbing at him, thumb circling the head of his cock.

"Weren't we supposed to avoid waking up Leader?" Zura says when Gintoki let's slip a loud moan.

"Huh? Who?"

"Gintoki."

"It'll be fine." He wraps an arm around Zura to pull him closer. He lowers his voice before he continues. "She's out cold tonight. Probably."

"She'd better be with how loud you're being."

“I’m not being that loud.”

“I heard an echo.”

"Just for that I'm definitely fucking you next time and I'm making sure you’re louder than I am."

"You said that last time."

"My blood sugar was low."

"And the time before."

"Plot arcs are exhausting! Was I supposed to kick Nizo’s ass and then go marathon fuck you?!"

"Don't worry about it." Zura interrupts him with a gentle kiss and then says, "low standards remember?"

"You're so annoying."

Zura squeezes him with a leg, hand on Gintoki going still. "Gintoki," he says, voice straining. He's trembling.

"Don't just come when we're in the middle of an argument!"

"I don't know what you're doing down there if you're not trying to make me come," Zura says.

"Shut up."

"Seems very—" his hand tightens unconsciously around Gintoki, "very counterproductive."

Gintoki ignores him and strokes faster. Zura damn near hits him when he comes, curling in as he spills in his hand. If Zura didn't make these cute little sounds when he came then almost being head-butt to death would've really turned him off.

Gintoki's still being generous so he kisses him as he's coming down. It's a while before Zura remembers that he's holding Gintoki's cock and switches to stroking him. He whispers Gintoki's name and pets his hair which would be really annoying in a different circumstance.

It must be obvious that Gintoki is about to come because Zura gets this little grin. "Hey," he says, lowering his voice. His lips hover over Gintoki's. "Are you going to come Gin- _san_?"

"Son of a—" Gintoki comes with a stifled grunt, a hand tangled up in Zura's hair. Zura strokes him through it, laughing maniacally like the evil terrorist bastard that he is.

When it's over Gintoki slaps his hand and shoves his pillow into Zura's face. Being half-heartedly smothered doesn't stop him from laughing so he gives up, feeling a post-orgasm doze coming on.

"In the morning remind me that I'm really angry at you," Gintoki says.

"You wanted me to work on my dirty talk didn't you?"

"I didn't say condition me to get hard at weird moments! If I get a boner near Shinpachi or Sacchan I'm going to murder you."

"That'll be on you. Ew. You got come all over my sleeve."

"That's your come."

"No it isn't."

"Yeah it is, I wiped it there earlier."

"No it isn't." He yawns and stretches, hitting Gintoki in the face. "Give me something to wear."

"You can sleep naked."

"What if Leader sees me?"

"Sneak out before she wakes up."

"No early morning sex then? No sending Leader and Shinpachi on a job and then having late morning sex?"

"You're just gonna be hungover tomorrow."

"Don't move me around too much and I can take it."

The angry part of Gintoki's brain says he should kick Zura out but the part that's into both morning sex and abandoning his responsibilities says, "I'll find some pajamas."

Zura wipes his hand on his sleeve and tosses his clothes aside before putting on Gintoki's. Gintoki digs up some tissues and cleans himself off too. Zura lays on his stomach beside him. His hair finds its way onto Gintoki's face and he immediately makes it much worse by pulling Zura into his arms.

"You're too warm," Zura says.

" _You're_ too warm. If I don't hold you down you're gonna kick me in the dick."

Zura scoots closer. "Of course. Why else would you be using me as a human teddy bear?"

"Shut up and go to sleep. I can still kick you out."

"Fine." Zura exhales and relaxes in his arms. "Gintoki?"

"God, what now?"

"Did you steal my wallet?"

"...I said go to sleep Zura."


End file.
